The Lie of Time

We always think we have more time, or maybe that’s just me. Until one day we run out of it. We live in our bubbles, thinking the world can’t touch us until it swallows us whole without warning. There’s always time to ask for that promotion. I’ll just wait one more week to prepare thoroughly. I’ll reach out to that friend soon because I just don’t have the time right now, but somehow, I’ll find the time later. I’ll have so much time with my friends, years even, growing closer as the days bleed into one another. We will be at each other’s weddings. I mean, I see them every week. I’ll get my hormones tested next month because I don’t have the mental capacity to find out if there is something wrong now. It can wait. Odds are that I’m perfectly fine. But how long have I been telling myself that? Ignorance is bliss, right? Life goes on forever. Until it doesn’t. 

Because one day asking for that promotion never comes and someone else gets it because you never did. You go months without calling your friend and find yourself missing them, slowly turning you into strangers because you both live busy separate lives. Your friends that you see every day and that you thought you would have years growing close to start moving away much sooner than you think. You get a text while landing back down in Denver saying, “I’m moving back to Boston.” In just a few short months, everything will change. She always said she wanted to die in Denver, but I think we all knew the time was ticking. I just thought it would tick for a little while longer. A chain reaction sparks and the others follow suit, separating you all in a matter of minutes. And you haven’t even known them for a year. What happened to all the time we were supposed to have? Time’s up. You’ll still be friends, but things will be different. Fallen soldiers never quite stand the same. You leave your PCOS untreated, causing further damage to your body when it could have been caught early on. 

We make so many plans and set so many intentions, always thinking about the future. How often do we make plans and promises to ourselves that we have no intention of keeping? How do we focus on the present when we know and don’t know what the future holds? It’s all just a matter of time.