The Night Owl’s Work

Since turning 27, I’ve been trying to build better habits, but it’s been harder than I expected. I’ve never been a morning person, and I honestly don’t think I’ve ever mastered a real nighttime routine either. Most nights I tell myself I’ll go to bed early, and most mornings I’m annoyed that I didn’t. But on the rare occasions when I do get up before the hustle and bustle of the world, when I drag myself to a morning workout or actually step out of bed without hitting snooze, I feel different. Lighter, more capable, like I’m starting the day ahead instead of already behind. And yet, somehow, I always fall back into my night-owl habits, even when I know better.

It’s almost like the nighttime belongs to me. It’s the only time I get back after doing everything required of me during the day. Those late hours feel like they’re mine and mine alone. And sometimes I just want that to last a little longer; those quiet moments before I have to do it all over again in a few short hours. I know that the later I stay up, the more I’m hurting my future self, but for some reason, I still can’t get myself to shut the world away without unwinding, decompressing, and reclaiming the time I feel like I lost. It just always feels like there are never enough hours in the day.

But with each morning I’ve forced myself out of bed before the sun, waiting for the day it finally feels like a habit (still waiting), I’ve started to realize how important it is to show up for myself and hold myself accountable.
What’s stopping me from working out at 5:30 a.m.? Me.
What’s stopping me from having a morning routine and actually making time? Me.
What’s stopping me from reading or writing after walking Monty instead of binge-watching a show? Me.
What’s stopping me from being more productive? Me.

How is showing up for myself any different than showing up for other people? It’s not. I just never thought about it that way.

I realized that if I want to make these difficult changes in my routine and in my mindset, I need to treat myself the same way I treat others. We’re so used to keeping the promises we make to other people, but somehow we forget that we deserve that same level of commitment. I’ve always prioritized what I tell others over what I tell myself. If I tell a friend I’ll make it to a 6 a.m. workout class, I won’t miss it. But if I tell myself I’ll wake up at 5:30 to hit the gym before work, I suddenly have a list of excuses. Why?

I think it all comes down to accountability and self-discipline. Not perfection. Not forcing myself into a routine that doesn’t feel like me. Just learning to listen to the promises I make to myself and honoring them a little more each day. That feels like a good place to start. I’m still figuring it out, and I probably will be for a while, but I’m learning that keeping my word to myself matters, maybe even more than I realized.

I’m trying to show up for more for myself, even when I don’t feel like it (especially when I don’t feel like it), and maybe that’s why the thought sticks with me: if I can’t keep my own word, how can I trust what I say in other areas of my life? It’s something I’m working on, slowly, intentionally, one morning (or late night) at a time.