I Won’t Be Late…

I’ve been thinking a lot about the different stages we all go through in life. Looking around and seeing where my friends are at and what they are doing. Some of them are married and have been for years, with babies of their own—a whole family to tend to. Some of them are in long-term relationships. Slowing down and getting ready for the next phase. They feel as though they already have found their person, and maybe they have. I hope they have. Some of them are in and out of situationships, one fleeting into the next. Looking for temporary company and comfort in a world full of chaos. Some are hiding from the outside world, putting their heads down and focusing on their careers. No outside distractions allowed. They become hermits and seek refuge from the world around them, working to eventually pave their way through it. Some are single, lost in the crowds. Excited one day to be going on a date then feeling disappointed the next. They go from living their best life to a feeling of isolation in a matter of days, bouncing back and forth between the two. Potential grows and lingers but never really sticks or amounts to anything. On to the next. Some are heartbroken, not wanting to look for another partner. They are numbed from the pain, as we all once have been. They are the skeptics, shooting away any glimer of hope that creeps towards them. And then there are the content ones. Never truly worried about the future. These are the ones who know that life’s timing is something out of their control, so might as well just enjoy it. What’s the point of worrying when what is meant to find you, will find you?

Yes, it’s possible to be in multiple stages at once, each with its own nuances. Right now, though, I find myself fully immersed in my single stage, and I am completely okay with that.

I feel like no matter what stage you are in, it is important to find friends that are also in that same stage of life as you. Now, that doesn’t mean you can’t continue to be close with your life-long friends, but it is helpful to have someone who currently lives and understands your experience. Just like my friend who is married and has two kids needs other mom friends to understand the challenges and struggles that she is going through and that I will never know until I am in that life stage, and just like I need friends who are single and can relate to the chaotic world of dating in this moment in time. I can provide empathy but sometimes people need more. And that is more than okay. It’s what helps us get through—knowing you’re not alone in this.

I’m feeling very content in my singleness. I need this time. Yes, just like everyone else in this life stage, I have waves of feeling confused or lonely, but mostly just curious and excited about who my person is. I find myself thinking about when I’ll meet him (maybe I already have and I just don’t know it), what he’s doing right now, and how our story will play out. When the frustration kicks in and the questioning begins, it feels confusing. Never have I been happier in my life than I am right now. And never once have I regretted ending any past relationships. Never have I thought that I need a man to feel secure and happy (well maybe at one point in my life I did, but definitely not now – and that’s a story for another time). But these feelings don’t cancel out the fact that one day I do want someone—whenever that may be. I am content yet confused all at the same time. It comes from a lack of control and fear of the unknown. Sometimes I wish I could just know when I’ll meet that person, or how long I’ll live in a city, or what my next job will be. But I can’t and would that really even help?

I was talking with my mom on the phone not too long ago and she said something that really stuck with me. I think on this day I was feeling particularly discouraged. She listened to me vent about the current dating scene and my disappointment. I complained about the lack of respect and communication out there. At the bare minimum, can people just be kind? I felt like all my friends and I were experiencing the same thing, feeding into one another and eventually spiraling a bit. Why was this such a universal experience people were having, yet the ones who complained about it were also the ones who continued to behave this way, feeding the toxic cycle. You’d think that something would change since all us single folk seemed to feel the same way. As I ranted to my mom, I also mentioned how happy and content I really do feel and that I don’t want to be with anyone right now. Yet, there’s this conflicting part of me that doesn’t necessarily want a partner, but I still find myself getting excited about the potential of what could be. It’s not usually about the person themselves, but more about the possibilities. When things don’t work out, it’s not the person I’m sad about—it’s the loss of what it could have been and the track record of what isn’t. This was when my mom completely helped me shift the way I was thinking. She said, “Maybe this is God’s way of protecting you—making the decision for you early on with these people, guiding you to focus on yourself and keeping your heart safe from the wrong ones. He’s giving you the time and space you need to grow, heal, and save your energy for the right one when the time comes.”

She was right. Maybe all of these dates led to nowhere because, knowing me, I fall fast and hard and maybe having these people treat me this way so early on was protecting me and my time. Maybe it’s all out of my hands and things end before anyone can really get that invested. Maybe this is saving me from a world full of hurt or from making the same mistakes over again.

With all of the things I want to accomplish and work on right now, I want to take this time to fully give it my all. I think if my perfect guy were to show up on my doorstep, I’d be ready, but I realized I want more time with myself before then. I’ve put the work into myself and have so much more I want to accomplish. I want to be selfish for the first time in my life and really go after what I want—not just dream about it. I’m having so much fun doing exactly what I want to do. And just like the Lumineers say, “I won’t be late for this, late for that, late for the love of my life.” Because I would rather die alone and content with my life than settle for someone out of discomfort and insecurity. Either way, I know I’ll be on time. 

One more bad date, one more asshole, one more “there just wasn’t a spark”, one more rejection, one more person I don’t have a connection with is all just one more closer to the one. And maybe that one is yourself.